How to Make IDGAF Cheese Crackers, by Twinkie Chan

Sooooo Christmas of 2011, I decided to buy a cookie press and make some spritz cookies. I was like, “OMG THIS IS SO FUN! I WILL USE MY COOKIE PRESS EVERYDAY! EVERY EVERY DAY!!!” I never used it ever again.

But tonight. Oh, tonight. I resurrected the cookie press and finally attempted to make some home made CHEESE CRACKERS!!!! AWWW YEAH CHEESE YEAH! I love Cheezits so much, that I literally make myself sick. My buddy Pickle once asked me, “What do you like most? The Cheez? Or the Its?” WHO CAN CHOOSE!?

Needless to say, this was like my most humongous kitchen debacle. My cheese crackers look like cat chow and they smell like Bibi’s feet.

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Let’s go on this journey together.

c3I used the recipe from the Wilton website, Wilton being the maker of my cookie press. I know I should have done a little more research, but …. say it all together…. IDGAF! Actually, I do, but I’m also lazy.

Here are your ingredients:

  • 1 pound sharp cheddar or aged swiss finely shredded
  • 1/2 cup unsalted butter softened
  • 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
  • Dash hot red pepper sauce
  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon paprika

cheezits1

I am a very serious chef, and I only use VERY SERIOUSLY SHARP CHEDDAR. As should you. I wanted to get yellow cheddar because cheddar is supposed to be yellow in my book. But Hairy is a food snob and insisted on white cheddar. Plus, he got all cheesenerdy with some dude at Andronico’s, and they were like, “Good sir, you must select a cheese from Vermont.” “Right-o, good sir, I shall!”

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1. I attacked the aerobic portion of the recipe first: grating 1 lb of cheese. I gave up after .5 lb, which ended up being the best decision of the whole night. You may think this was due to laziness, but the real reason was my plate was overflowing with cheese, and I didn’t think I had enough large bowls for mixing everything together. SO MUCH CHEESE. So I cut the whole recipe in half.

2. Preheat oven to 375°F. In a medium bowl, cream the cheese, butter, Worcestershire sauce and hot red pepper sauce until smooth. So, what exactly does it mean to cream something, because I attempted to do this, but it was basically like trying to turn the cheese powder from your pizza delivery into a liquid. Like, it’s not gonna happen! It was like 80 million parts cheese to 1 part worcester sauce and butter. I already knew this was a terrible, terrible sign. “Cream” was not what I had. I had superstiff cheeze playdough.

3. In separate bowl, toss flour and seasonings with fork. Gradually add to cheese mixture. I added my cheese playdough by small chunks. What appeared in my mixing bowl was first like a pile of pebbles and then later like a bucket of sand. Great dough, right!?

4. Mix until dough holds together and shape into small logs. Sand is just not going to hold together on its own. It needs LIQUID. Any sand-castle-buildin’ 2 year old will tell you that. But whatever. I figured there was cheese oil in there, so I stuck my hand in the cheese sand and started to mash and massage into little logs to insert into my cookie press.

c4My logs did not look well. There was no way the dough was going to shoot through the cookie gun and stick to the cookie sheet. But I never give up!

5. Place in barrel of Cookie Pro™ Cookie Press using any disk, press onto ungreased cookie sheet. Ok, so this is the part where I gave up. For a cookie press to work, the dough needs to be sticky, so that your cookie stays put when you pull the gun away. What I ended up doing was shooting the dough through the gun, which was still stuck to the gun, and then I picked the clumps off with my fingers and reshaped them onto the cookie sheet. WHY DID I NOT JUST TAKE THE DOUGH LOG OUT OF THE GUN AND THEN HAND-SHAPE EVERYTHING?! I don’t know. I had so much faith in the cookie press. This process took approx 9 million years, so I did one cookie sheet and called it quits.

c5I used the Y-disk which technically should create heart-shaped cookies, but given the crumblyness and dryness of my dough, they didn’t spread very much, so I just had Y-shaped crackers. Y as in WHYYYYYY GOD WHYYYYYYY.

6. Bake 10-12 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove and cool on rack. At 10 minutes, my crackers were pretty toasty looking, and I probably should have been watching them more closely instead of washing dishes.

7. Sprinkle with paprika. Sorry, my crackers did not deserve any paprika sprinkles.

c7In an effort to cook/bake more of my snacks rather than eating packaged foods filled with weird chemicals and stuff, this was an interesting experiment. Although I’m pretty certain that I’ll never try this again, they are after all like 92% cheese, and you can’t go that wrong with cheese. It would probably be more efficient for me to eat the cheese right off the block and leave stuff like baking to the pros. But you know I’ll be back in the kitchen soon …

 

 

 

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16 Responses to How to Make IDGAF Cheese Crackers, by Twinkie Chan

  1. Jules Chan says:

    LOL.. Love your instructions, you manage to even make baking looking cute!

  2. Alison says:

    Good try. There is actually an easier way to make those.You can make homemade cheetos by putting cheese in the microwave. It doesn’t melt, it fries. They aren’t bad if you happen to run out of food stamps.

  3. Helen says:

    I have never heard of creaming cheese. You cream butter and sugar. But I suppose if you started with the butter and the liquids and creamed those together then just stirred in the cheese it should work.

    Here is a recipe I use to make cheesy biscuits. I love this recipe, it is quick and easy. The food processor does most of the work, and if you buy pre-grated cheese you don’t have to work hard to grate that either. Note that in Australia biscuits are both cookies and crackers and not the scone type biscuits you eat in the US. All measurements are metric.

    Parmesan Pepper Biscuits

    3/4 cup plain flour
    100 grams butter, chilled and cubed
    1 tsp cayenne pepper (optional if you don’t like a bite to your biscuits)
    125 grams grated parmesan
    1 egg yolk (optional)

    Preheat oven to 180 degrees C.
    Sift flour into food processor and add butter and cayenne. Process until mixture looks like breadcrumbs. Add parmesan and process again.
    Using your hands roll mixture into small balls and squash flat.
    (If you wish at this point you could brush the tops of the biscuits with egg yolk and sprinkle extra parmesan over the top, but I never do)
    Bake for 8-10 mins or until golden.

    • TwinkieChan says:

      Thank you for the recipe!

      I’ll have to get over my fear of the food processor… I always imagine chopping off all my fingers in one.

  4. Lol! I love it! I think you should make them and put them in your packages so we’ll have a snack to eat when we get our goodies!!!! 😉 xoxoxo

  5. Danielle says:

    Aw, they look like little Y chromosomes! If you ever have a biology themed party…
    Thank you once again for letting us witness your amazing kitchen experiments. :) Hey, at least you’re trying, I would’ve given up at… no, I wouldn’t have even started.

  6. Sue says:

    Thanks for sharing. I am teaching myself to knit and it is kind of good to know that other people have slight failures and meltdowns too. Makes me feel like not such an ef up.
    I know you probably won’t try this again, but maybe if you had refrigerated it and then tried it. Or used cheaper already grated cheese.
    I make some kind of spritz cookies every year at Christmas, but I use an electric cookie press most of the time. Saves a lot of time. Buy them on ebay in the summer when they are cheaper-I think you can only find them used, I don’t think they are currently making electric ones.

    • TwinkieChan says:

      The recipe said to not use pre-grated cheese for some reason. It actually went pretty quickly, but the dryness of the dough was just the part I couldn’t get over!

  7. MaDonna says:

    but how did they taaaaaaaaaaaaaste

  8. Lynne says:

    Well were they good? OK they’re not pretty, but were they at least tasty? I’ve made cheese straws as my called them with the cookie press. Like you I found that they were just too much trouble. I do have a super delicious cookie recipe I use with the cookie press every Christmas. Just ask if you ever drag that contraption out again.

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